Dear Santa Claus,
I don’t think that I’ve ever written you a letter. It seems a little crazy to me that I never did. I guess by the time I was old enough to write well that I stopped believing in you. First off, I’d like to thank you for your generosity. You really do have a hellish winter schedule. I don’t know how you do it. I suppose everyone at the North Pole pitches in but still.
Next, I’d like to talk to you about the feasibility of visiting all of the houses in one night. I think that I’d read about how you can only spend a fraction of a second at each house. Let’s not forget all the cookies and milk that you have to eat. Even though it is impossible for you to do it right, it is amazing.
Also, I’d like to talk about the qualifications for naughty and nice. It seems like you make a lot of threats but never follow through on them. I mean is there ever anyone on your naughty list by Christmas Eve? I’d say probably not. Let’s face it, you aren’t much of an authority figure. You’re always jolly, and you never really follow through on the coal and sticks threat.
I think that your unorthodox way of entering someone’s home is questionable. I mean entering through the chimney? I don’t get it. You kind of seem like a burglar or a home invader by climbing around on the roof. I trust that you’ve never robbed anyone, but I still don’t know that I’m comfortable with you entering my house in that way even if it is to bring me presents.
Then there is the whole Santa’s workshop con. I know that most of your presents come from the mall, Wal-mart or another department store. Sometimes the tags are still on them. I don’t know why you’re perpetuating this elves doing your work myth. It actually makes it seem like you run a sweatshop. Plus, the elves are probably foreign labor that you snuck out of some third world country. It’s bad public relations especially for such a public figure as yourself.
Mrs. Claus seems like a nice lady. I don’t know why you don’t let her ride with you on the big night. With everything so immediate and quick, I think she’d probably be an asset on the big night. We’ve all heard the stories of how she worries about you. It’s the 21st century, woman should be equal. Let her help you out. You’re not some hunchbacked Neanderthal that hit her over the head with a stick and dragged her back to your cave, are you?
Christmas is a ways away so it seems a little ridiculous to send you a list this early. I guess I’d like a lot of things that are a little pricey. How about an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii, London and Seattle. It would really help me out with this list. Those trips are going to be expensive so free tickets would be great.
I’d also like to find a woman that is not crazy, boring or hideous. I know that’s a lot to ask, but its slim pickens here in Lafayette. I think everyone here has a fear of being alone so they pair off and cling to relationships fairly early. The ones that didn’t seem to be deficient in some category that makes them cuckoo in some way.
This letter has gotten long, so I need to wind it up. I’m a big fan. Keep up the good work, and don’t ever change.
Brad E Ramsay